All dressed up with nowhere to go.

A week ago, I went back to the clinic to pick up my new esky of hope.

It was much bigger than the first one... The FS changes my drug and dose from Gonal F 150iu to Puregon 250iu. The epi-pen thingy requires loading each time, so there are a dozen of them included.

I paid my $1755.75 balance and put the esky in the fridge (remembering to take out the instructional DVD this time).

 Then I waited...

 and waited...

 and a week later I am still waiting for Aunty Flo.

I don’t know if it’s because of the first round of IVF that my cycle is all out of wack, or the flu I had a little while ago, or the stress, or the extra weight I've gained, or the cosmic alignments...

But nothing!

I took an extra month break to give myself a holiday and to get my head and heart ready, and now that I am focused and ready to go again...

NOTHING!!!

Everywhere I look!

Babies, babies everywhere!

My twenty-something sister-in-law just gave birth to her 2nd child; three of my friends have just announced they are pregnant; I went to a "Mummy's Morning Tea" on Monday; I’ve just been invited to two more baby showers; my hairdresser is away on maternity leave; I’ve got a new born photo shoot to do this weekend; my acupuncturist is pregnant: even my little sister's friends are popping them out... not to mention that the local shopping centre feels like one giant crèche!

Look, I know that women have been having babies since... the start of women having babies!... but just at the moment it’s all a bit overwhelming.  Especially when I am trying to get on with my life between IVF cycles, and am trying desperately not to be all consumed by baby thoughts.

But as I stand in the door way of the empty spare bedroom, I can’t help but imagine how nicely a white, wooden cot would fit against the far wall.

Here we go again...

After a little break, I am preparing to start all over again...

I was actually due to begin my 2nd IVF/ICSI cycle in July, but hubby and I had a little holiday to Melbourne. As much as I was initially super keen to take our little esky full of needles with us, I am glad I let it go. I really needed a break from it all... and a few (lot of) cocktails!
So the next step is to head back to the hospital and pick up my new and improved esky... and pay them more $$$, as the price went up by $800 as of July 1st... Thanks for that!

So after this weekend (hubbys B'day), it's a visit to detox city for me...

I’ve already washed and laid out multiple pairs of cranky pants to wear for the next few weeks!

Pull the trigger

So I thought I would get a break from all the needles during my exile into limbo land...

After a weekend of sadness followed by a few weekdays of sadness, I called the clinic.
It had dawned on me that I didn't really know what was meant to happen next.
The nurse may have explained it to me, but since I was a little girl, I've had a bad habit of not actually listening when people are telling me things, especially if it is important information or some sort of directions to follow!

So I spoke with the head nurse at the IVF clinic yesterday, and she suggested I come back in for an Ultra Sound to see if I have managed to ovulate as yet.
Due to the constant dull ache in my ovaries, I guessed I hadn't... and I was right.
In my left ovary currently sits one big fat egg (26mm) and heaps of smaller ones.

So today’s scan proved two things -
1) It was the right decision after all to cancel my first IVF cycle, as much as it broke my heart, it wouldn’t have resulted in more than 1 or 2 viable eggs.

2) I find it really, really awkward to have small talk about the weather and the weekend’s activities when there is a giant dildo poking around inside me!

So tonight I inject the Trigger shot and hope that it doesn’t cause OHSS (Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome ).
It also means that I will ovulate this weekend, so it was not so subtly suggested that we "get busy" trying!

With my husband’s Oligospermia (low count and low quality) the odds are stacked against us, but none the less, I think a romantic night away in swanky hotel is just what the doctor ordered!

IVF Cycle cancelled

Yesterday was my 3rd and final Ultra Sound for this our first attempt at IVF.
Plenty of follicles, but all way too small and not likely to grow to a healthy size.
So after 13 days of injections, emotions, bloating, cramps, wishing and hoping...
 it's over... cancelled... failed... fucked!

I spent a good part of the day crying, being angry, feeling sorry for myself, hating everyone who has children, blaming myself for not trying hard enough, blaming the clinic for not getting the dose right,
wondering if this is punishment for something I did wrong in a past life!

I then fell into a deep sleep, and woke up 15 hours later feeling empty and sad, but determined to try again.

So now we wait, again...

Grow little eggs grow...

So I had my 2nd Ultra Sound yesterday and the results were a little better this time.

I have a handful of "lead" follicles, but they are still tiny (10mm). I need them to be twice the size without making twice as many.
So the nurse has upped my Gonal F from 150iu to 200iu in the hope that we can slowly but surely grow those little suckers.

So if you refer to the PCOS text book diagram above, you can image how swollen I am at this point with both ovaries being purposely stimulated to produce even more follicles... I can’t wait to try and tie my shoe laces next week when the follicles should all be twice the size!

Happy Mother's Day!

Sunday was Mother's Day and it was really a mixed bag of emotions. I’m so grateful I still have my Mum and was able to spoil her... But of course I had hoped this year would be my year.

I guess in a way I am closer to becoming a Mum than ever before, but actually holding that little baby in my arms seem so very far away.

I’m on cycle day 10 of my injections and after a few oopsys we have finally gotten them as painless as possible. Notes to self –

·         Don’t move during the injection

·         Don’t scream at husband while he is injecting

·         Don’t let cat jump up on lap while injecting

 Yesterday was my first Ultra Sound at the clinic...

They found about 22 follicles, but all of which are under 6mm (Damn you PCOS!)

It’s not a bad result, we just need to tread carefully now... going to keep on injecting and try to grow them without adding to them. Otherwise I could end up with OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome ), which can make you incredibly sick.

Also, just found out my Fertility Doctor is away for the month... fantastic timing!