Back to hospital

On Saturday afternoon, only a few hours after transfer, I was more bloated than ever. I tried to rest, but was just too uncomfortable.  Everything was hurting, I was super emotional and getting scared.

My husband had forced jugs of water and bottles of Gatorade down my throat for the past few days, but I knew I was still becoming dehydrated.

That night, lying in bed, I was struggling to breath. My stomach was so distended that it was affecting my lung capacity. I calmly woke my husband at about 2am and told him something was very wrong.

We rang the afterhour’s emergency number the clinic gave us... but there was no answer!  So he decided to take me to the emergency ward.

I was starting to panic at that stage and barely made it across the car park; I threw up 3 or 4 times on the way.

On being admitted, I went to the bathroom and there I continued to vomit... I called out for my husband who caught me in the nick of time as I collapsed to the floor.

For the next 12 hours I lay in emergency, hooked up to oxygen and an IV drip. It took 3 different nurses 2 attempts each to insert the cannula, as my veins had collapsed due to the dehydration (you should see my bruises). From there I was finally moved to the  OB/GYN ward and for the next 24 hours they monitored me...

Measuring my girth, weighing me (I had put on nearly 4 kgs since the pick up), blood pressure, blood tests and urine output. I felt just horrible.

My husband decided to have me transferred to the private hospital, so I could be treated by the Doctor that did the pick up and hopefully to expedite the whole process (we were still waiting on an Ultra sound 2 days later!)

The 3rd night I slept better, as I had peace and quiet and my own bathroom.

On Tuesday morning I had the Ultra sound back at the IVF clinic and it showed no signs of OHSS! So they sent me home... where I have been ever since.

I tried acupuncture and Bowen therapy in an attempt to drain whatever fluids/gases were filling up my stomach and slowly but surely it has been getting better.

I’m still sore, but I have weaned off the endone they gave me at the hospital, down to the panadeine forte, to regular panadol. (TMI, but all the pain killers were making me very constipated which was only adding to my woes).

I have booked in for a blood test next Wednesday to see if I'm pregnant, but to be honest I'm not holding my breath.

This last week has been hell, if we get pregnant then it was obviously all worth it, but if we don't, the thought about having to do it all over again is a very daunting one.

Transfer

On Saturday morning, we headed into the clinic for the transfer.

I was convinced they would cancel because I was sure I had OHSS. I had all the symptons; nausia, extreme bloating, weight gain, little to no urine, excessive thirst, really dry skin and lower abdominal pains.

However, after an uncomfortable Ultra Sound, the Doctor seemed positive it wasn’t Hyper Stimulation, just fluid and gas build up and therefore she was happy to proceed with the transfer.

I couldn’t believe it was all happening so fast!

As a lay on a little bed, legs akimbo, there on a plasma TV screen was our 3 day old embryo.
I watched as a scientist used a pipette-thingy to suck it up and then the screen went to black.
Through a mysterious doorway in the wall above the bed came the pipette-thingy and within a few moments it was done... just like that!

As i lay there, I realised, for the briefest moment in time... I was pregnant.

I went home, sore, scared, bloated and tired.
I named our embryo "Sprite", and begged it to hold on.

Egg pick up

On Wednesday morning we awoke before 7 am and although it would have been too early for breakfast, just knowing that I wasn’t allowed to eat made me hungry!

We arrived at the private hospital, checked in and waited in a small waiting room.
Within a few minutes a nurse took us into an office, checked my paper work, weighed me and then berated me for signing something before the doctor had filled out the form. She then had me change into a flattering hospital gown.

The only thing that made me smile that day was the sight of my husband in scrubs.
For a moment I imaged what it would be like being married to a surgeon.
But as he struggled to get the footsie covers over his big feet, that illusion was shattered.
I lay down under a warm blanket for a few minutes before being wheeled off to a pre-op room.

There I met my anesthesiologist, the doctor performing the egg pick up and the scientist assisting her. I was given an injection referred to as “champagne”... and I felt a light buzz. Then they wheeled me into the operating theatre and the last thing I remember was a male nurse introducing himself...

I woke dazed, confused and sore in the recovery ward.

I remembered that the doctor writes in pen on your hand the number of eggs they were able to retrieve...

My right hand read 14!

I drifted in and out of sleep for what must have been a few hours. I felt a leaking sensation between my legs and made the mistake of putting my hand down there, only to be upset by the sight of a lot of blood. I called over the nurse, he pulled back the cover and gasped!

That is the single worst sound one can hear in a hospital.

He replaced a soaked pad-thing 3 or 4 times, before he deemed me ok to move to the next section of the recovery process. A nice nurse gave me a sandwich (which has never tasted so good) and suggested when I was ready, that I get dressed.

When I sat up and draped my legs over the side of the bed I felt something leave my body...

I suggest you stop reading now if you are squeamish...

There in front of me on the bed was a clot of blood the size of a grapefruit and I started to freak.

I tried to stand and as I did I felt more blood running down my legs and onto the floor.

I cried out for help and the nice nurse assured me it was ok and cleaned me up.
She walked me to a bathroom and within a few seconds I felt my knees wobble as I threw up in the sink. My head was pounding, my heart was racing and my abdomen was throbbing. After being seated and given some anti-nausea medicine, I was eventually allowed to leave.

The next 3 days were a blur, I slept poorly, awoke every few hours in pain, found it difficult to roll over, let alone get up and my stomach was so distended, I thought my skin would tear.

On Thursday morning we were told that only 2 of the 14 eggs had fertilized.

My heart broke.

All sytems are go!

My belly is covered in bruises, my breathing is shallow and I feel like I might pop!
On Friday our 2nd Ultra Sound showed 11 follies between 12 & 16mm!
I’ve never strived to be average at anything before, but in the IVF world that is exactly what you hope for.
Last week was horrendous... I literally cried for 5 days straight. We thought it a good idea to get away for a night, so we headed up to the Vineyards for a little R 'n R. The spa in the hotel worked wonders on my aching back. Whilst lying in the water, belly all bloated and emotions running wild, for the first time ever, I allowed myself to imagine being pregnant.
Our 3rd scan yesterday showed 9 follies between 14 and 18mm, so that meant we were ready to progress to the next step!
Last night we injected the triggers and tomorrow morning at 9:30 we are booked into the hospital for our very first egg pick up.
The nurse has warned me that my blood tests show my hormone levels to be very high and therefore the likely hood of suffering from OHSS is also very high.
So I've arranged for my Mum to come up and stay for a few days, just in case I feel rotten.

Hello little follies

This morning marks day 9 of injections and our first Ultra Sound and blood test for IVF cycle #2.

After awkward chat about the passing of my dear kitty, the nurse lubes up the dildo camera, and I see something similar to the picture above.

Upping the initial dose to 250iu (international units) has appeared to be working, because today we have 16 follicles all between 9 and 11mm. (This result is already much better than where we ended up with our cancelled cycle, having only 2 follies at 12mm and about 20 at 6mm and under).

This explains why even my trackie dacks are tight and it's uncomfortable to bend down and tie my shoes.

So now the plan is to continue to carefully grow them (as they need to be bigger than 17mm to be worthy of pick up), without adding any more, because then I will enter the dreaded realms of OHSS territory. (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome ).

 We scan again in 2 days... fingers crossed.

RIP Elvira

Yesterday I lost my beautiful kitty.
She has been my friend, my companion and my baby girl for nearly 14 years.
She was given to me when she was smaller than the palm of my hand.

She was with me through our trial separation, my Uni degree, 4 homes, our Wedding, my husband’s cancer, our IVF journey and over a decade of sometimes crippling depression.

Her love was unconditional.

Working from home meant being with her nearly everyday.

The house is so empty now. My heart is broken. I knew she wasn’t young, but had wished for a smooth transition between losing her and having a baby one day.
But we don’t always get  what we want.

I just can't stop crying, this pain is unbearable... I'm sure the IVF hormones pumping through my body aren't helping.

She will  be forever in my heart xxx

Ready...set...go!

So a few days after my last post about not getting my period... I got my period.

This meant a trip to the hospital for a blood test to check my hormone levels and to book in a series of Ultra Sounds and blood tests for next week.

I was inspired by a friend who is also going through IVF to take some control of this cycle and stand up for myself. Since the last cycle was cancelled because upping the dose 10 days into it was too little too late, I’ve requested an extra early scan and blood test. I could tell the nurse wasn’t that impressed with my request, but I don’t care... if I want more things poked in me and up me, that’s my prerogative!

We began shooting up the Puregon last night, and I found it to sting much worse than the Gonal F.

So that will be our routine for the rest of the week...

·         after dinner have a shower while hubby preps the needle-pen-thingy

·         sit in the arm chair with belly out

·         criticize hubby at least twice for his technique (which is really to procrastinate the actual injection)

·          remember the injection part doesn’t really hurt and feel silly for the fuss

·          remember the Puregon does sting after the fact and feel a bit sorry for myself

·         remember that all this may eventuate in a baby and feel much better!

All dressed up with nowhere to go.

A week ago, I went back to the clinic to pick up my new esky of hope.

It was much bigger than the first one... The FS changes my drug and dose from Gonal F 150iu to Puregon 250iu. The epi-pen thingy requires loading each time, so there are a dozen of them included.

I paid my $1755.75 balance and put the esky in the fridge (remembering to take out the instructional DVD this time).

 Then I waited...

 and waited...

 and a week later I am still waiting for Aunty Flo.

I don’t know if it’s because of the first round of IVF that my cycle is all out of wack, or the flu I had a little while ago, or the stress, or the extra weight I've gained, or the cosmic alignments...

But nothing!

I took an extra month break to give myself a holiday and to get my head and heart ready, and now that I am focused and ready to go again...

NOTHING!!!

Everywhere I look!

Babies, babies everywhere!

My twenty-something sister-in-law just gave birth to her 2nd child; three of my friends have just announced they are pregnant; I went to a "Mummy's Morning Tea" on Monday; I’ve just been invited to two more baby showers; my hairdresser is away on maternity leave; I’ve got a new born photo shoot to do this weekend; my acupuncturist is pregnant: even my little sister's friends are popping them out... not to mention that the local shopping centre feels like one giant crèche!

Look, I know that women have been having babies since... the start of women having babies!... but just at the moment it’s all a bit overwhelming.  Especially when I am trying to get on with my life between IVF cycles, and am trying desperately not to be all consumed by baby thoughts.

But as I stand in the door way of the empty spare bedroom, I can’t help but imagine how nicely a white, wooden cot would fit against the far wall.

Here we go again...

After a little break, I am preparing to start all over again...

I was actually due to begin my 2nd IVF/ICSI cycle in July, but hubby and I had a little holiday to Melbourne. As much as I was initially super keen to take our little esky full of needles with us, I am glad I let it go. I really needed a break from it all... and a few (lot of) cocktails!
So the next step is to head back to the hospital and pick up my new and improved esky... and pay them more $$$, as the price went up by $800 as of July 1st... Thanks for that!

So after this weekend (hubbys B'day), it's a visit to detox city for me...

I’ve already washed and laid out multiple pairs of cranky pants to wear for the next few weeks!

Pull the trigger

So I thought I would get a break from all the needles during my exile into limbo land...

After a weekend of sadness followed by a few weekdays of sadness, I called the clinic.
It had dawned on me that I didn't really know what was meant to happen next.
The nurse may have explained it to me, but since I was a little girl, I've had a bad habit of not actually listening when people are telling me things, especially if it is important information or some sort of directions to follow!

So I spoke with the head nurse at the IVF clinic yesterday, and she suggested I come back in for an Ultra Sound to see if I have managed to ovulate as yet.
Due to the constant dull ache in my ovaries, I guessed I hadn't... and I was right.
In my left ovary currently sits one big fat egg (26mm) and heaps of smaller ones.

So today’s scan proved two things -
1) It was the right decision after all to cancel my first IVF cycle, as much as it broke my heart, it wouldn’t have resulted in more than 1 or 2 viable eggs.

2) I find it really, really awkward to have small talk about the weather and the weekend’s activities when there is a giant dildo poking around inside me!

So tonight I inject the Trigger shot and hope that it doesn’t cause OHSS (Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome ).
It also means that I will ovulate this weekend, so it was not so subtly suggested that we "get busy" trying!

With my husband’s Oligospermia (low count and low quality) the odds are stacked against us, but none the less, I think a romantic night away in swanky hotel is just what the doctor ordered!

IVF Cycle cancelled

Yesterday was my 3rd and final Ultra Sound for this our first attempt at IVF.
Plenty of follicles, but all way too small and not likely to grow to a healthy size.
So after 13 days of injections, emotions, bloating, cramps, wishing and hoping...
 it's over... cancelled... failed... fucked!

I spent a good part of the day crying, being angry, feeling sorry for myself, hating everyone who has children, blaming myself for not trying hard enough, blaming the clinic for not getting the dose right,
wondering if this is punishment for something I did wrong in a past life!

I then fell into a deep sleep, and woke up 15 hours later feeling empty and sad, but determined to try again.

So now we wait, again...

Grow little eggs grow...

So I had my 2nd Ultra Sound yesterday and the results were a little better this time.

I have a handful of "lead" follicles, but they are still tiny (10mm). I need them to be twice the size without making twice as many.
So the nurse has upped my Gonal F from 150iu to 200iu in the hope that we can slowly but surely grow those little suckers.

So if you refer to the PCOS text book diagram above, you can image how swollen I am at this point with both ovaries being purposely stimulated to produce even more follicles... I can’t wait to try and tie my shoe laces next week when the follicles should all be twice the size!

Happy Mother's Day!

Sunday was Mother's Day and it was really a mixed bag of emotions. I’m so grateful I still have my Mum and was able to spoil her... But of course I had hoped this year would be my year.

I guess in a way I am closer to becoming a Mum than ever before, but actually holding that little baby in my arms seem so very far away.

I’m on cycle day 10 of my injections and after a few oopsys we have finally gotten them as painless as possible. Notes to self –

·         Don’t move during the injection

·         Don’t scream at husband while he is injecting

·         Don’t let cat jump up on lap while injecting

 Yesterday was my first Ultra Sound at the clinic...

They found about 22 follicles, but all of which are under 6mm (Damn you PCOS!)

It’s not a bad result, we just need to tread carefully now... going to keep on injecting and try to grow them without adding to them. Otherwise I could end up with OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome ), which can make you incredibly sick.

Also, just found out my Fertility Doctor is away for the month... fantastic timing!

Take heed...

Shoot for the moon!

When all is well with my internal universe, my cycle times in perfectly with the rise of the full moon. Tis very mother nature/fertile magical goddess of me!

Well last night was 2012's only Super Moon... and happened to mark the beginning of our very first IVF cycle. At 10pm we calmly sat down and watched the instructional DVD on Gonal F, prepped the epee-pen thingy, I took a deep breath... and then freaked out!!!
Looking in my husband’s eyes as he held aloft a big pointy needle aimed right at me didn’t go down too well and it took about seven failed attempts, before I stopped screaming and actually let him inject me.

After my award winning performance, I must admit, it wasn’t actually very painful or traumatic at all.

Worlds most expensive esky!

Sitting in my fridge at the moment, between some half eaten garlic bread and a jar of ogorki pickles, is this strange green cooler bag.
Inside I will find 2 Gonal F Pens for ovulation induction (150ui), 2 boxes of Cetrotide Injections to  control my body's hormonal responses (250ui), 2 Ovidrel PreFilled Syringes to trigger the release of mature eggs and a sharps disposal unit.
Also 2 instructional DVDs thay I forgot to take out that are now ice cold!

Total Cost - $7707.35
After medicare rebate out of pocket expense will be $2561.50

As they say in all the baby forums, I am currently awaiting the arrival of Aunty Flow, so I can begin our very first round of IVF!

Need all the help I can get!

So a few weeks back, my darling husband meant well and snuck a creepy fertility statue next to my bed while I was asleep! The problem was, I awoke in the middle of the night, dazed and confused, and as my eyes tried to adjust to the dim light this creepy statue came into view... my heart and mind raced trying to figure it out what was staring at me... it was horror movie moment scary!

I was so freaked out, that instead of screaming, I actually started crying... he did apologies profusely and I guess he was only trying to help.
That creepy clay statue has been banished to the garage, so the other day we were passing a fair trade shop, and decided a replacement was a good idea.

This is an Ndebele Fertility doll, handmade in South Africa by women of the Ndebele tribe. The doll is made (in secret) for the bride by the maternal grandmother and is ritually presented to her when she enters her new hut after the wedding ceremony. According to custom, after the birth of their third child, the fertility doll must be given away, because it is considered unlucky to keep it anymore.

So when our family is complete, I will pass her on...

What's in a name?

So like most couples trying to conceive, we have had a handful of baby names that we love.

A few boy names and a few girl names... even a handful of middle name ideas!

I understand that I don’t have copywrite on said names, but fuck me if all of my friends don’t beat me to it... And as they actually have a baby that warrants naming, I guess all is fair... doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt :(

 One friend in particular beat us to our top girl name Maya, so I had to accept that it was gone and I came up with Aria as a replacement favourite. Well yesterday at 8pm little Maya welcomed her new baby sister Aria into the world!

 I’ve never told anyone our fantasy children's names of course, because I don’t want to tempt fate... but it kinda feels like yet another slap in the face from the universe, when friends and family literally create the baby I was wishing and hoping for.

Jabs, pricks and lasers!

Considering I haven’t even started our first IVF ICSI cycle, I am so over all the ouches...
Acupuncture once a week, I had a flu shot on Monday just incase I do end up getting pregnant over winter and a blood sugar test to see if the Metformin is making any difference... not so much.

 Weird side effect from the flu jab was for my ear to swell up to thrice the normal size! WTF?!

My GP decided I ought to cut down the dose of the Metformin, as it’s been over 5 weeks of feeling like shit. I can’t work, function or even sleep properly because of the constant headaches, nausea and bathroom fun. So I’m back down to 2 x 500mg once a day, and I am already feeling more human.

This evening I am off to my monthly laser treatment. Another unpleasant symptom of PCOS is facial hair... charming! After years of painstaking, upsetting plucking for hours a week in front of the magnifying mirror, I had decided to try something new.

It’s expensive ($120 a pop), unpleasant (feels like being flicked by tiny rubber bands) and kinda humiliating (leaving the salon with a bright red beard and moustache)... but laser therapy does work.

I’ve had about an 85% reduction since I started about a year ago.

 Mind you, unlike with "normal" facial hair, PCOS facial will need ongoing treatment and only works on the dark hairs, which I am excited to report, I have a plethora of... sigh :(

>:(

So I've just had my first period after starting the Metformin and doing acupuncture...
and what a doozy she was!
I don't think I have ever been in so much pain - cramps from hell, migraine for hours and so bloated I thought I might pop!
My acupuncturist says she is trying to clean out any old stale blood to make way for a fresh new lining for when we begin our first ICSI IVF cycle (which is in less than 1 month!!!).

My period also came early, that is to say, on time for once. YAY!
So as much as it was an awful experience, something is working and will hopefully all be worth it.

Tonight was the last night of the IVF clinic sessions at the hospital...

I wish all the lovely couples I've met, much luck on their IVF journeys and baby dust for you all xx

Babies, Babies everywhere!

Look I’m a nice girl. I am usually very happy for other people, but this week has been a tad difficult. Not 1, not 2, but 3 of my friends had babies all within a few days! It was like 3 knives... stab, stab, stab in my heart. Don’t get me wrong, they are all lovely ladies who will be great Mums, but it is getting harder and harder to continue smiling.

What I am noticing more and more, is how bitter and judgemental I have become of other parents... and by that I am referring to "yucky" parents.
Not far from where I live are some lower social-economic areas, so down at the local shops there is a large cross section of society. What is really testing me is seeing these yucky parents.

By that I mean -

1. Parents smoking near their kids

2. Rough teen parents who are onto their 4th kid

3. Parents who aren’t even watching their kid run into the road

4. Parents screaming at and smacking a baby for essentially just being a baby

5. Parents who allow their kids to be barefoot and underdressed when it is rainy and cold

6. Crack head parents!

I can’t help but ask why they get to be parents and I don’t.

You need a licence to drive a car, in some states you need a license to have a dog...

But anyone can be a parent!

Pins and Needles... Oh My!

Well I have decided to give everything a go before we begin our first Antagonist cycle in May.

So I've been going to see an acupuncturist for the last two weeks.

Thus far I have learnt two things...
1) I don’t like people sticking sharp objects into me.
2) I'm terrible at lying still and relaxing.

At this stage she is sticking the needles in my legs, arm and head, but closer to the cycle she will focus on my belly.

We have also been going to weekly meetings at the IVF clinic for couples about to start their cycles.
I’ve found it really rewarding and educational... The other couples are lovely and it is good to share stories and experiences. Makes me feel less abnormal.

Yuk Sick Yuk...

So as much as I hate medication... I really must listen to my GP and the FS...

So, I have finally started taking Metformin.

It's meant to help with fertility, PCOS,  insulin levels and possibly even weight loss!

It's been a week and yes I have lost weight... mainly because I can’t stop pooing! It's made me nauseous, given me terrible diarrhea and I feel like SHIT. (Pun intended!)
They say it should only last for about 2 weeks. Fingers crossed.
Tonight we are off to the first of a series of "couples" meetings at the IVF clinic.

 It’s our choice to go and I think it might be nice to meet others in a similar situation and hear their stories.

Well, I better get going... before we become "that rude, late couple"!

Im Back...

So after a little break over New Years and summer... I’m back!
Yesterday we went to the hospital for first series of meetings with the councillor and nurse.
The counsellor discussed the emotional journey, the nurse discussed the medical journey, and then a lady from admin discussed our financial journey!
I don’t know which one is going to be more painful!

Because of my PCOS, it was made clear that there is a rather large chance that the first cycle of IVF could be cancelled part way through as I’m likely to produce too many or too few follicles. So the first round might be more like a calibration.

We have been offered a place in a couple forum nights at the hospital, a chance to meet people going through a similar journey and ask as many questions as I can think of. I also decided that there is still so much hush hush and taboo around IVF... my parents even  discuss the process in whispers!

 So rather than eventually telling our friends one by one, or hiding it, or being ashamed or embarrassed, I decided to put it on my facebook status and tell them all at once! It felt really liberating to get it out there... now everyone knows, I can’t take it back...and the 50 or so messages of love and support made me so happy I cried.